The time will come/ when, with elation/you will greet yourself arriving/ at your own door, in your own mirror/ and each will smile at the other’s welcome,/ and say, sit here. Eat./ You will love again the stranger who was your self./ Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart/ to itself, to the stranger who has loved you/ all your life, whom you ignored/ for another, who knows you by heart.
In his poem “Love After Love,” Derek Walcott examines the importance of cultivating self-love, a facet of oneself that is frequently overlooked.
Speaking in a webinar on self-compassion, British psychiatrist Dr. Sarah Eagger explained the poem’s gist: “That idea of, ‘Do I have my own best interests at heart?’ is crucial. Often when we’re in pain and suffering, we add insult to injury. We criticize ourselves. We indulge in perhaps not very healthy behaviors. We engage in actions that are not so constructive.”
She continued, “So the question becomes, ‘How do I become my own best friend?’ When we practice self-compassion, we’re essentially engaging in a form of meditation. We’re utilizing the energy of love. Spiritually, we understand that the energy of love, peace, and happiness resides deeply within our core. This is our true essence, beneath all the layers of experiences and the conditioning we’ve acquired throughout our lives. Our conditioning forms the outer surface. But what truly lies at the very center of our being? By practicing self-compassion, we tap into that spiritual energy, connect with the identity of our soul, and explore its core qualities.”
Taking action
Dr. Eagger is the chair of the Spirituality Special Interest Group of the Royal College of Psychiatrists, also the National Spirituality and Mental Health Forum, the British Holistic Medical Association and the Janki Foundation, and a certified mindful compassion teacher.
“We often associate compassion solely with others. However, it’s crucial to consider: ‘What does compassion mean to me?’ The word ‘compassion’ literally means ‘to suffer with.’ It arises when we witness another’s pain or difficulty, prompting a desire to help. This is a specific, active emotion rooted in empathy, requiring us to recognize another’s suffering and feel their pain,” explained Dr. Eagger.
Compassion is more than just feeling sympathy; it involves a desire to take action. This active response is a practical emotion, driven by our innate caregiving instincts, she added. These instincts, rooted in the mammalian caregiving system, involve neurotransmitters such as oxytocin, the hormone associated with love, trust, and bonding, and endorphins, the hormone linked with pain relief, pleasure, and elation. The act of giving or cultivating compassion is beneficial for both the giver and receiver.
Citing Kristen Neff and Christopher Germer, leaders in the field of self-compassion, she said their work, and the Center for Mindful Self-Compassion website, offer valuable resources.
Neff identifies three core components of self-compassion:
Mindfulness: This involves self-awareness–consciously acknowledging and accepting your current emotional state. As the saying goes, “You’ve got to feel it to heal it.” Noticing your discomfort is the first step toward bringing that energy of kindness to it.
Common humanity: Understand that suffering is a universal human experience. Instead of feeling isolated or lonely, recognize that others face similar challenges. This shared experience connects us.
Self-kindness: Cultivate inner kindness toward yourself, replacing self-criticism with understanding and support. This involves recognizing that your inner critic may stem from past experiences or societal influences, and consciously choosing to counter it with self-compassion.
“Research has shown that the inner critic triggers my threat response system. This self-criticism literally activates my body’s stress response, increasing adrenaline and anxiety hormones. Instead of allowing this inner critic to dominate, we’ll cultivate self-kindness in response to my experience,” said Dr. Eagger.
Safe space
When faced with pain or difficulty, practice self-compassion, applying the three components: Use the words that best describe your current experience. Acknowledge and validate your feelings. Remember, you are not alone. Millions of others grapple with similar emotions. These are common human responses to difficult situations. It’s natural to feel kindness and compassion for yourself during this challenging time.
As a gesture of self-compassion, place your hand on your heart or any area that brings you comfort and support. Recognize that you possess the capacity for compassion that you readily offer to others; now, extend it to yourself. Breathe in love and kindness, and exhale tension and suffering. Gently guide your breath to soothe and comfort you.
“Allow yourself an inner smile, a gentle greeting of self-love and acceptance. Release your hands and rest quietly in this feeling. Notice any arising thoughts or feelings and gently let them go,” she said.
Dr. Eagger cited that everyone has a safe space inside of them. “Descend deeper into this feeling of peace and stillness. Beneath the surface of your thoughts and emotions lies your true essence: a place of stillness, safety, and love. Here, you may connect with the universal ocean of compassion, filling you with strength and connection.”
