SPECIALSFEATURE

To friend or to unfriend, that is the question

BY KRIZETTE LAURETA-CHU

Nov 20, 2024 06:16 PM 

In old times, before the dawn of the internet, people who didn’t like each other or found that they had no common interests or activities beyond meeting each other once at a party, simply drifted apart.

No drama, no hurt feelings, no passive-aggressive declaration. But social media—even when it exists only in the digital sphere—is now completely intertwined in our daily lives that whatever happens on FB or IG or X spills over IRL.

Yes, Facebook gave us new friends, but it’s also alienating us from old ones. Don’t like who they’re voting for? Unfriend. Annoyed by their incessant humble-brag posts? Unfriend. Icked out by their oversharing? Unfriend. 

But people should realize that the “Unfriend” button carries more weight than just a simple disengagement from a person on social media. Many times, netizens decide that being unfriended on Facebook is tantamount to ending the friendship in the real world.

In 2010, TV host Jimmy Kimmel declared Nov. 17 “National Unfriend Day” to inspire people to remove those “friends” on social media that they barely know, and in some cases, never even met. But fast forward 14 years later, and the “Unfriend” button is not just about cleansing your feed, but for many others, openly declaring war against people you realize you don’t like (or don’t like anymore).
So how serious is the Unfriend button? Pretty much, says many people we talked to across different age groups. 

Gen Z Keisha, 15, a digital native, says, “You follow or are friends with people online that you’re not even friends in real life, so for someone to actively remove you from their friends list means the connection is over. Unfriend in social media is unfriend in real life. Full stop.”

Franklin, a Gen X artist, says his 40-year friendship ended when he was cussed out on FB by a friend who supported another President. “So I blocked him when he unfriended me. In real life, I don’t even look at him anymore. I’ve forgiven him, but our friendship is over.”  

A YOUNG WOMAN checks her mobile phone. (Unsplash Photo)

Some people, like millennial Luisa Tess Luna, say, there’s no need to burn bridges over a made-up world. “I can unfriend them and still say hi to them in the real world. They could’ve unfriended me because they didn’t like my posts, but hooray for them for setting boundaries and prioritizing their mental health. My content is not for everyone.”

Elsa Sauro, a guidance counselor, says unfriending someone on social media means you just recognize that you have a threshold in terms of boundaries. “Just like in real life, you have friends you can say anything to, and they won’t judge you, but then you also have friends who only are connected to you because of school or work, so because they only fit into a certain category of your life, they’re just setting limits by removing you from their social media.” 

A published study in collaboration with the Korean Broadcasting System that came out in 2021 called, “Unfriending effects: Testing contrasting indirect-effects relationships between exposure to hate speech on political talk via social media unfriending” say the number one reason people unfriend on social media is political differences and hate talk. And those who do the unfriending are often those who do not like confronting others with different opinions, so they just choose to block or unfriend. The study says, “Those who unfriend others are less likely to talk about public and political agendas with those with cross-cutting views but tend to often engage in like-minded political talk. In addition, this study found indirect-effects associations, indicating that social media users who are exposed to hate speech are less likely to engage in cross-cutting talk but more likely to participate in like-minded talk via unfriending other users in social media.”

The unfriend button, therefore, carries the very real weight of the severing of real friendship—which is why it is very important that you think it through a million times before you click the button. You might just want to disengage, but to the person unfriended, this move might be irrevocable.  

Here are a few guidelines on how to navigate uncharted waters of unfriending so you don’t impulsively end a friendship over a bad moment on social media:

Should you add this person? 

You meet someone at a party. They ask to add you on FB. Your FB however is a personal space where you allow friends to take a peek into your innermost thoughts and private life. Ask yourself if their FB friendship is an added value to you before you click Accept. Be careful about letting near strangers have a front seat to the spectacle that is your very real life. Would you, for example, ask any stranger to leaf through your family album? Or read your diary? Is there friendship something you really treasure?

Really reflect on your reasons

Is it because you can’t tolerate their politics or that their posts grate at your own biases? Is it annoyance or are you… jealous of their successes? Are you sure you don’t like them anymore, or you just don’t like their opinion at the moment? In that case, don’t be so quick to the draw and try alternatives like muting, unfollowing, or even putting them on certain restricted groups before you completely seal the deal.

You want to unfriend them…

So you’ve decided you want them out of your life. Be prepared to make it as drama-free and as straightforward as possible. Don’t blow up things by posting mysterious FB statuses, or telling everyone in your group chat your decision. Also, make sure that when confronted by the affected party that you will be honest and sincere about why you unfriended them. You don’t owe anyone your friendship, but you’d also like to do it in the kindest way possible if no confrontation occurred.

In the end, our online relationships simply reflect the strength of our real life connections. Just think of FB is nature’s way to weed out shallow friendships and bolster real ones.

Deedee Siytangco, Manila Bulletin’s beloved longtime columnist, passes away

BY KRIZETTE LAURETA-CHU

Oct 1, 2023 01:50 AM

  

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in Manila Bulletin know her as an indefatigable columnist who almost never missed her deadlines, and who personally rang up her editors to follow up so she could see her article through—revisions and all—to the very end.

Her Manila Bulletin Lifestyle column, “Angel Thoughts,” which ran for years, always started with an inspiring quote, and tackled personal issues, inspiring stories, and incisive but tame political analysis that was less about personality and more about policy—and latter readers who only knew her gentle voice and warm personality wouldn’t have known how a much-younger Deedee Siytangco had grit and passion as a young writer.

“I worked with Cory (the late President Corazon Aquino) for only three and a half years,” she wrote in an earlier column that came out in 2018. “I was a beat reporter for the Palace before joining her. Presidential advisers pointed out to her that I could help in her media office since I was already a working journalist. Besides, being a woman like her, I could relate (to her). My boss, Don Emilio, told me when I informed him I was joining Cory’s team. The President listened to then Sec. Ping de Jesus and Maria V. Montelibano, who was running RTVM, and I was offered to be an assistant secretary for media.

I took a cut in pay and had no representation funds. All goodwill. During merienda time, my husband Sonny who idolized my boss, would have a fast food store near the Palace deliver snacks for our Press Corp and the photographers who covered the Palace. But then, the ‘Brat Pack,’ savoring true press freedom at last, were mostly disciplined and did not demand ‘freebies.’ I survived mainly because my idol, President Cory, was a joy to work with. She was honest, disciplined, and a no-frills leader. I did not have to lie for her, ever. When talking in her behalf, I vetted everything to her and the hardest thing I had to do was politely turn down numerous requests for interviews, especially from foreign media. My lady boss would tell me, ‘We are not running for public office.’ And that meant, no more interviews. But she also understood how important her pronouncements meant to the people and she would give in and meet the press when I would literally beg.”

Deedee Siytangco’s three years as the President’s close-in defined her career. “She demanded the same kind of honesty and discipline from her co-workers, especially those who had access to her. I was fortunate to have been with President Cory in China when I was just a Manila Bulletin reporter. There, she conquered the Chinese officialdom and the ordinary people who felt great affinity for her after she paid homage to her Chino ancestors in the Co temple in Fujian. I was lucky to be with her in the Bicentennial celebration of France where for two days, she was the state visitor, and our flags flew proudly in the Champs Elysee avenue. She spoke fluent French and this Icon of democracy was everybody’s darling. She also visited the then still-standing Berlin Wall, the Royals of Belgium ! She also was acclaimed in the US and accorded honors by the Congress and the White House. Her Canadian visit was a resounding success and businessmen and women in Toronto wept when in a speech, she recounted her family’s travails during Martial Law. ! was already her assistant secretary for media so I saw the international acclaim for her up close and yes, I basked in the glory of it as a Filipino.” 

And Deedee did bask in the glory of her Filipino-ness, and, later in life, actively participated and headed multiple civic organizations, including Bulong Pulungan, which put in spotlight different personalities and their issues. 

Her daughter, Sandee Siytangco Masigan announced on Sept. 28, 2023 Deedee’s death at age 83, due to septic shock from pneumonia, with significant conditions that contributed to her death including urothelial cancer, hypertension, and hypothyroidism. She asked friends and family to make a donation to the Contemplative Brothers of Mary Mother for the Poor, and that, should people want to give flowers, they make these sunflowers, her favorite—as that was what Deedee would have wanted.

In an exclusive interview with Manila Bulletin, Sandee said, “My mother found so much strength and comfort in praying the rosary. She encouraged everyone to do the same.” Even in her sick bed, Sandee said, the rosary hung on her headboard, or clutched in her hand. “Her night time greeting to me, which I will miss very much, ‘Goodnight love, God bless you, and Mama Mary loves you,” Sandee says. “It was a great reminder every night before bed.”

Deedee’s remains will be at Heritage Memorial Park in Taguig City from 4:00 p.m. beginning Sept. 30, until 10:00 a.m. on Tuesday, October 3, 2023. She will then be laid to rest at the columbarium of Our Lady of Dela Strada Parish on Tuesday after a 10:00 a.m. mass.