To friend or to unfriend, that is the question
In old times, before the dawn of the internet, people who didn’t like each other or found that they had no common interests or activities beyond meeting each other once at a party, simply drifted apart.
No drama, no hurt feelings, no passive-aggressive declaration. But social media—even when it exists only in the digital sphere—is now completely intertwined in our daily lives that whatever happens on FB or IG or X spills over IRL.
Yes, Facebook gave us new friends, but it’s also alienating us from old ones. Don’t like who they’re voting for? Unfriend. Annoyed by their incessant humble-brag posts? Unfriend. Icked out by their oversharing? Unfriend.
But people should realize that the “Unfriend” button carries more weight than just a simple disengagement from a person on social media. Many times, netizens decide that being unfriended on Facebook is tantamount to ending the friendship in the real world.
In 2010, TV host Jimmy Kimmel declared Nov. 17 “National Unfriend Day” to inspire people to remove those “friends” on social media that they barely know, and in some cases, never even met. But fast forward 14 years later, and the “Unfriend” button is not just about cleansing your feed, but for many others, openly declaring war against people you realize you don’t like (or don’t like anymore).
So how serious is the Unfriend button? Pretty much, says many people we talked to across different age groups.
Gen Z Keisha, 15, a digital native, says, “You follow or are friends with people online that you’re not even friends in real life, so for someone to actively remove you from their friends list means the connection is over. Unfriend in social media is unfriend in real life. Full stop.”
Franklin, a Gen X artist, says his 40-year friendship ended when he was cussed out on FB by a friend who supported another President. “So I blocked him when he unfriended me. In real life, I don’t even look at him anymore. I’ve forgiven him, but our friendship is over.”
Some people, like millennial Luisa Tess Luna, say, there’s no need to burn bridges over a made-up world. “I can unfriend them and still say hi to them in the real world. They could’ve unfriended me because they didn’t like my posts, but hooray for them for setting boundaries and prioritizing their mental health. My content is not for everyone.”
Elsa Sauro, a guidance counselor, says unfriending someone on social media means you just recognize that you have a threshold in terms of boundaries. “Just like in real life, you have friends you can say anything to, and they won’t judge you, but then you also have friends who only are connected to you because of school or work, so because they only fit into a certain category of your life, they’re just setting limits by removing you from their social media.”
A published study in collaboration with the Korean Broadcasting System that came out in 2021 called, “Unfriending effects: Testing contrasting indirect-effects relationships between exposure to hate speech on political talk via social media unfriending” say the number one reason people unfriend on social media is political differences and hate talk. And those who do the unfriending are often those who do not like confronting others with different opinions, so they just choose to block or unfriend. The study says, “Those who unfriend others are less likely to talk about public and political agendas with those with cross-cutting views but tend to often engage in like-minded political talk. In addition, this study found indirect-effects associations, indicating that social media users who are exposed to hate speech are less likely to engage in cross-cutting talk but more likely to participate in like-minded talk via unfriending other users in social media.”
The unfriend button, therefore, carries the very real weight of the severing of real friendship—which is why it is very important that you think it through a million times before you click the button. You might just want to disengage, but to the person unfriended, this move might be irrevocable.
Here are a few guidelines on how to navigate uncharted waters of unfriending so you don’t impulsively end a friendship over a bad moment on social media:
Should you add this person?
You meet someone at a party. They ask to add you on FB. Your FB however is a personal space where you allow friends to take a peek into your innermost thoughts and private life. Ask yourself if their FB friendship is an added value to you before you click Accept. Be careful about letting near strangers have a front seat to the spectacle that is your very real life. Would you, for example, ask any stranger to leaf through your family album? Or read your diary? Is there friendship something you really treasure?
Really reflect on your reasons
Is it because you can’t tolerate their politics or that their posts grate at your own biases? Is it annoyance or are you… jealous of their successes? Are you sure you don’t like them anymore, or you just don’t like their opinion at the moment? In that case, don’t be so quick to the draw and try alternatives like muting, unfollowing, or even putting them on certain restricted groups before you completely seal the deal.
You want to unfriend them…
So you’ve decided you want them out of your life. Be prepared to make it as drama-free and as straightforward as possible. Don’t blow up things by posting mysterious FB statuses, or telling everyone in your group chat your decision. Also, make sure that when confronted by the affected party that you will be honest and sincere about why you unfriended them. You don’t owe anyone your friendship, but you’d also like to do it in the kindest way possible if no confrontation occurred.
In the end, our online relationships simply reflect the strength of our real life connections. Just think of FB is nature’s way to weed out shallow friendships and bolster real ones.
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