IT'S OK TO FEEL BAD

 

By accident, I stumbled upon an article of British writer Allie Volpe. Yes, Allie is so right when she says, "Amid grim times, putting on your biggest smile may seem like the best coping mechanism.  Over the last year, as the pandemic has morphed from terrifying to inconvenient to long-term life-altering event, our coping mechanisms have had to adapt and evolve. Yet there have been differences in the ways we’ve approached time spent in isolation".

For many, including me,  positivity has been essential to coping with the crisis – many have relished a chance to slow down and reevaluate, felt grateful to still have a job or kept the good things in perspective (even while balancing virtual schooling, remote work and keeping the family safe). 

I also caught myself writing columns that sounded as positive as possible in the past weeks. Of course, as Volpe wrote: staying upbeat and expressing gratitude are hardly adverse practices, but this unrelenting optimism – known as ‘toxic positivity’ – paints negative emotions as a failure or weakness. Plus, there are few things more grating than encountering a toxic positivist when you’re grappling with grim reality.

And failing to acknowledge hardships can have a detrimental effect on our mental health. Persistent reminders to reflect on ‘how good we have it’ in the midst of strife and struggle don’t make sadness, fear or anxiety dissipate, research shows. Instead, suppressing negative emotions can actually make us feel worse.

By contrast, another mindset approach boasts a more realistic framing. ‘Tragic optimism’ posits there is hope and meaning to be found in life while also acknowledging the existence of loss, pain and suffering. First defined by Austrian psychologist and Holocaust survivor Viktor Frankl in 1985, proponents of tragic optimism maintain there is space to experience both the good and the bad, and that we can grow from each.

Experts suggest that this kind of philosophy may be exactly what we need to cope as we’re still trudging through the pandemic – and may help us once we’re on the other side, too.

A cornerstone of the philosophy is the ability to find meaning and purpose amid challenges and setbacks. “Suffering is a part of life, and the question is how are you going to cope with it?” explains Esfahani Smith, author of The Power of Meaning. “A lot of people are going to deny or ignore their suffering, and a lot of other people are going to be completely overwhelmed by it.” To be tragically optimistic is a happy medium where instead of crushing our spirit, difficulties and challenges provide us with a learning moment, like re-framing the stress of giving a public speech as a challenge rather than a threat.

Meanwhile I learned how to face and adapt to whatever life throws at me. I learned that people who had accepted that life comes with difficulties – and were prepared for them – coped with lockdowns more effectively than those who did not. I learned from Paul Wong, a psychologist and professor emeritus of Trent University in Ontario, who says the road to this transformation may be uncomfortable, because life currently isn’t easy. “It’s OK to be lonely,” he says. “It’s OK to feel bad, it's OK to feel anxious. Welcome to the human club.”

So, although it may feel tempting just to grin and bear it, taking the slightly more uncomfortable route of a tragic optimist may actually help us see that there’s a light at the end of the tunnel – and help us take a breath as we wait to reach it.

Honestly, right now I do enjoy all possible re-openings in the Philippines. I take every chance e.g. to travel, to swim, to unwind - of course, with strict compliance with still existing health regulations.