By Joyce Lorraine Mina
“Hi, Joyce! How are you?”
“I’m good,” is how I would usually respond when asked such question. But deep down, what I honestly want to say is, “I’m constantly on edge, with unexplainable worst-case scenarios already playing out in my head.”
After viewing “Inside Out 2” in 2024, I felt nothing but mixed emotions chaotically stirring within me, like a storm not to be reckoned with.
I imagine Joy and Envy standing in front of the monitor, both applauding and cheering inside the headquarters of my bewildered mind. Beside them were Fear, Sadness, and Embarrassment, as they took turns comforting one another, each of them taking their own time processing the entire movie.
Of course, let’s also not forget Anger and Ennui, who were watching impatiently from the sidelines, already itching to leave the crowded, noisy cinema and head home.
Then last but not least, my old friend Anxiety—the primary controller of my life—who, like in the movie, lets a single tear fall from the corner of her eye, for she has never related to a character as much as Riley’s Anxiety.
“If only this movie had been released sooner, then maybe I would have gotten the help I desperately needed,” I hear Anxiety voicing out my thoughts. Because then I would have figured out why my heart was tugging me away from every classroom door all these years, or why I suddenly have trouble breathing whenever I attend public events or parties. Would I have been able to identify these scary, unfathomable symptoms of mine sooner?
I always believed it was normal to have recurring fits of uncontrollable sobs whenever my head was heavy from the routine thoughts of daily life. I also thought it was common to overanalyze the simplest habits—like rewriting and deleting words and sentences over and over again until you are left exhaustingly burned out. But what truly hit the fan for me was the entire school year 2022–2023, stretching all the way back to Grade 12.
Back when it was slowly transitioning to face-to-face classes, little did I know that my insurmountable, unexplainable, and unlivable fear of school would heighten.
I would skip classes or pretend to be sick from school, all because I was suffocating in an environment where teachers would never fail to remind rebellious students like me that I was not up to their standards, while my classmates looked at me with pitiful and scornful gazes that sent shivers up my spine.
Mind you, this was an entirely new experience for me, so undergoing all this was a disaster waiting to happen.
And in fact, it did. I would regularly attract attention in class by randomly tearing up in between classes due to the insufferable emotional pain that I had been welling up for the entire school year. At that point, I requested to see my guidance counselor, who, at the time, only said that I just needed to interact more with my classmates. But this did not solve my lack of sleep, caused by constant rumination about the past and overwhelming thoughts about the future.
By the time I entered college, I had finally found my answer through my psychiatrist, who diagnosed me with generalized anxiety disorder (GAD), an excessive form of anxiety that I would not wish even on my worst enemy.
GAD is a mental health condition marked by persistent, excessive worry that often extends into a person’s everyday life without a clear cause. Some of these symptoms include, but are not limited to, fatigue, restlessness, difficulty concentrating, and difficulty sleeping, among others.
After a few months of taking my prescribed medication, my anxiety started to settle, calming itself down for the first time.
“So this is what it feels like to not worry about everything,” I thought, as I confidently looked into the eyes of strangers, feeling relieved and overwhelmed at the same time. This is all thanks to my understanding college counselor, who was the only person to see right through me.
To those who have their anxiety constantly steering the wheel, just know that I am giving you the warmest hug.
I know that it is difficult to be surrounded by people who hardly understand the predicament that you’re going through. But no matter what they say, please know that your feelings are always valid, no matter how big or small.
And to you, my Anxiety, I want you to know that you will always be a part of me, and I do not blame you for all the things that you have put me through. Because, after all, you only did those things to keep me safe from everything I couldn’t handle.
“Are you sure you are doing fine?” My friend asks again. I snap back from my swirling thoughts as I imagine Joy and Anxiety pushing up the lever together. I respond with a warm smile.
“Well, not really. But I am sure that I will be alright.”
